despite my physical self, inside i’ve been consistently okay. i teter between a 5 and a 6. more often than not, i feel better than average about things. of course i always have a layer of frustration, but that’ll always be in me.

and i’ve soft-launched a search for my records. i’ve written the agency in korea and a mediating service. i don’t hold out any hope to meet any birth family i might have or have had. it just seems the responsible thing to do, given all i’ve learned about the shady international adoption system and the real reasons behind records being destroyed and/or locked. i have no romantic notion that anyone’s been wondering about or pining for me all my life or anything silly like that. but to know my story would be a circle i’d like to see, i guess. then again, i don’t know what that would change, heal, or break.

but i’ve been on a plane for awhile. somehow i’ve been leveling off in many ways–for the good and for the uncertain. somehow this feels like an opportunity to stir things up a little to get inertia back on my side. there’s so much i want to do with this life. as each day ends, though, and as each morning reminds me, they’re passing and i’m still sitting here watching them like thin lines of motion sweeping by from my seat on the bus.

friday night i got the idea to start a new site. not sure if you’re familiar with some e cards, but the idea was to give korean adoptees (KADs) a voice by creating sharable cards that also create awareness. i decided that in order for them to work, they have to be mostly punchy and witty. it’s okay if they’re a little KAD insider because we don’t really have much that is yet.

in the back of my mind, as my KAD friends on facebook would have ‘birthdays’, it bothered me to always strive to say something that wasn’t ‘birthday’ since most of us don’t know ours. this new project would hopefully fulfill that, too. my hope is that they’ll get passed around and eventually build in popularity.

this is the site: e-kads.com (cards, cahds, kads… get it???)

maybe someday it will become something bigger, but if nothing else, it’ll help people start to understand some of the things korean adoptees have to deal with and consider that most people don’t even realize.

what else? i spent a day and a half with some of my lily sisters. we met down at one of our girl’s town down in CT. it was amazing. the only way i can describe it is very naturally comforting yet surreal.

i’ve also decided that i need to start a new band. i started talking to some people but nothing’s spiked my interest yet. i’m doing one night band this year and maybe i’ll meet some people that i’ll want to continue to work with? or maybe not. either way, i hope to start up a fun 3 piece in which i’ll write, sing, and play bass for the most part… maybe guitar on some songs. this solo business is great in some ways, but i do miss the satisfaction that comes from working in a band.

lately i’m loving my job for what it is. i’m not sure how long it’ll last but we can’t be sure about anything lasting, can we? so i’m enjoying myself screening amazing shows and animating these little characters i illustrated. wow. my life seems so cool right now. i wish i could go back and tell the old me, but i bet she would’ve stabbed me to death.

things with L are going strong. i think we’ve found our ‘way’. everything’s just easier now. no, it’s not always perfect, but again, nothing is. i don’t think either of us could imagine our lives without each other now. we have a little family together and we’re all pretty rad. (heheh: rad.)

now if only i could lose ten pounds and my life would be ridiculous. i’d seriously want to slap me.

i’m afraid to ever feel like i’ve got it all figured out because the truth is, everytime i pretty much do, something else twists up into view. i can lavish feeling full and complete when i do with all of my being because i know that i won’t feel that way for long. so i’m not going to feel like every day is a gem, but i’ve got to remember that each day is a chance. and i’m lucky that i’m in tune with my various layers of self to recognize which is which.

today i’m feeling the void and the crave to fulfill it. one of my new KAD friends shared a link to a program that organizes birth family searches in korea. i doubt i’ll get accepted and doubt even further that i’ll uncover anything given my circumstances. however, if i do, i’ll know for sure that it’s not something to tap me on the back of my head, nagging me gently as it can. the truth is i don’t really care about meeting my birth family but i would like to know what happened. and i know that if i get that opportunity to learn, it won’t be the end of it, either.

as close as i can feel to people, there’s a lingering sadness tucked under my skin. there’s a deep strangling need to mean everything to someone, to feel my life not only matters but is cherished and cared for by someone other than me. i don’t expect to feel that from my phantom birth family. and i don’t know if that’s all just a childhood dream or something real that could actually be–with anyone.

i killed my HIIT this morning like never before. i was jumping and punching like a madwoman. i felt like one of those invisible ninjas in my dreams–an unstoppable force.

i’m designing such polar opposite projects at work and it feels great. i’ve got the headphones on and am in the zone. i hope that everything i make today is magical.

tonight i play on stage for the first time in 8 months. it’s a solo show so i’m a little nervous because every little flaw is heard–and i’m playing sparkles (gretsch) so the notes are sharper than an acoustic. i just need to meditate a little at home before the show and remind myself that i’m in total control. i need to feel the songs as i play and sing and hopefully others will feel them, too.

i got on the boat with my supposed friend and we docked at this place where there were tons of guards. i was nervous because i wasn’t sure if they could see me as the asian girl or the black man, and what would happen if they knew i was a fraud. we loaded onto this strange militarian-looking vehicle with two guards in the front. i became aware of the one black bag i was clutching onto and wasn’t sure what was in it. my true identification? or the items of the man i was posing to be?

i was told that my wife would be waiting for me at the hotel in room x. (i can’t remember the room number.) and i was able to picture her–tall, slim, and beautiful, but not kind. i felt inside me that she wasn’t to be trusted somehow, or thought fondly of. at the hotel they asked for my identification. i opened my wallet and luckily i had the other man’s ID and passed for him for a moment. and then as soon as i thought i was in the clear, i saw eyes peering in closer–skeptical eyes, searching eyes. i knew i was in danger, so i took my bag and ran. my friend followed.

i felt i’d be safe in the water, so i led us to it and swam under the docks so we could breathe without being seen. there were so many docks, so we worked our ways back as far as we could–as close as we could get to the building, so not to be discovered. i felt safe for a moment.

the waters started filling with men, hundreds of them. they were waiting under the docks as well. at first i wondered if they were also in hiding, but then some men on the docks spoke to them as soldiers and they reacted with obedience. my friend and i tried to blend at first. i realized i didn’t know my friend so well, but he felt safer following my lead. i kept swimming us further and further behind, but the docks seemed to multiply to a neverending amount. each time i thought we were furthest back there was another gap for us to fill.

one man started eyeing me up with a look of arousal. and then i looked at my arm and saw that i was a woman again. i wasn’t sure if i was the real me, but a woman i was. he swam behind me and had sex with me, saying that if i screamed he would expose me as an outsider.

and then my friend was found out and forced out of the water. he was questioned and wouldn’t speak. i wasn’t sure if he was trying to protect me or truly forgot who i was or that i was even there.

i woke up.

clearly, as a transracial adoptee in the path that i’m in, it makes sense to have identity switching dreams as i always have. but why so often a black man? is it because my real offender was black, and although i hold no anger towards his race, i sometimes appear in his race? sometimes i’m the offender and sometimes i’m the one in danger. could be that i teter between wanting to forgive and still being annoyed for what he did to my life for so long. either way, i can sense that my past isn’t as fully resolved as i like to think that it is.

the fear of being exposed for who i am and enduring anything to prevent it could be linked to the asian side of me that i was unsettled with throughout the majority of my past. i wanted to be seen as one of ‘them’–the people i was surrounded by. i wanted to fit in. but in the end, it only hurt me. i am me, and as much as i’ve always thought i was proud of who i was, i wasn’t proud of everything that i was. i wanted others to see me as one thing and couldn’t keep hiding my true self without further damage. the more i tried, the further i was to safety. a greater power wanted me to be exposed.

perhaps my wife was some reflection of who i wanted to be, but i knew that if i did everything i could to be her, i’d still be denying who i really was. and if she loved me, she didn’t love the real me since she couldn’t see me for who i really was, either. i’d rather be a good, truthful person, than beautiful on the outside… but sometimes i lose sight of that.

and all those men following orders–i think they represent how i’ve perceived the greater population of people wanting to go along with being brainwashed to live their lives in ways that we’re told our society should be. and out of such rigid structure breeds frustration and an anger towards others and the system for jailing them, despite the fact that they could free themselves if they took the risk.

as far as my supposed friend goes, i’m not sure. perhaps he symbolized my family and friends growing up who knew who i really was (asian and adopted) but still held onto the facade because it was easier and made him feel safe. and in the end, he was discovered as well. maybe that means someday my family really will accept me for who i am, fully, even if that means i’m not really one of them… or, maybe it just means that they’ll see me as not one of them, with or without the acceptance.

i’ve made some vast improvements for sure but is it really good enough? or is this job just a step in the right direction; a stabilizing point to catch my breath, renew my strength, and move on? all these days that i spend consecutively do some good but don’t fully utilize or fill me. the things that i put off to do this collectively make a full-time job. unpaid, but full and fullfilling, nonetheless.

more people should be able to spend the bulk of their time creating, thinking, feeling, experiencing… if we weren’t always struggling to keep up, imagine what we could do?

i want to find a little house that we can self-sustain for the most part while i earn money writing, creating, and bringing people together. it’ll be a place where we can grow our own food, record music, and where the animals can run freely and play in beautiful fields. we can have friends over for dinners or the weekend, but mostly we’d be free to just live, grow, nurture, and be nurtured.

life doesn’t have to have the boundaries we accept. we need to be able to have less in order to have more.

last night i was able to stay afloat–despite my consciousness fading in and out. i was a wonder, soaring high through the air above trees, around the dome roofs indoors… i could perch on the architectural beams or anywhere without fear. the only trouble was the wind, but i learned when to stop fighting the wind currents and when to take a turn so that it didn’t hit me so hard.

and then i was inside an airplane with many people. i don’t remember who was there. but i sat there as the plane was falling from the sky, aware that if i wanted to i could escape and be free–yet if i did, i’d compromise all the people inside as they couldn’t fly and the opening of the doors would wreck havoc. so instead i sat fastened in my place and stopped worrying about all that i haven’t done, said, or made. i just closed my eyes and breathed slowly saying ‘sat nam’ in my head–which in kundalini means “the peace within you” or “your inner truth”. i felt calm and as deserving to die as my fellow passengers. i blocked out the screams of fear all around me and just accepted my fate as my belly lifted somewhere inside my throat. and as we swerved and we shook and we fell together like that, suddenly it evened out and we were safe again. the pilot didn’t make an announcement–he just kept flying that plane. and i thought to myself, “this is life.”

maybe i’ve finally got some things figured out. maybe i’ve passed this level and am ready for the next–whatever that means. i feel at ease with being both delicate and strong. i feel stable. i believe i matter in this world, but no more than the next person. it’s within me to ride things out and take them as they come, do what i can, and when i’ve done all that i can, accept the beauty in the failure.

i feel a part of a lot of things for once in my life. i no longer need to be the everything to anything or anyone. and i think to myself, “this is peace.”

in my first novel, my main character had a best friend who turned all of her flaws into features simply by being the beholder, offering a new perspective. i made her a woman because i didn’t think that a man in this modern world could actually do that. throughout my life i’ve always highlighted my flaws as things to improve on or feel great shame. perhaps his love for me and my flaws can teach me to love myself better.

closing in on 3.5 years, i’m in love like i’ve never been. i was right. when you love someone, you do not set them free. instead, you do what you can to make things right.

a fellow white lily posted a couple photos of the old orphanage in the late 1970′s. one of them had rows of white cribs with babies and nuns and the other had a few toddlers hanging out together on the floor. these pictures awakened a locked door from my past–one that i’d never been able to visualize in that context before. i felt chills through my skin, deep to my heart and my lungs, as the feeling washed over me. i was one of those babies. maybe not in either photo, but i was still one of them and that was my room and those were my people.

last night we drove shaunnessy up to my brother jeff’s place as he’ll be taking care of him while we’re in ireland. when we left, it was the saddest thing in the world to see his poor sad face so confused and wondering why we had to go. it struck my past wide open again, as i felt like i was him one day, too, and i hated to do it to him. if only he could understand he’s so loved and that i’ll be back and we’ll be reunited with love once again… i mean to be back. i hope that i can make good on that.

perhaps we’re all everything. and it’s all just a matter of which facet of this diamond we reveal when and how.

love is both popular and everybody’s worst enemy. love’s the biggest whore in the world, stealing hearts, murdering them, and leaving them on the side of the road. love’s as frivolous as a child’s favorite stuffed animal du jour. love’s a lifelong friend who proves to you that in a world with so many fickle fanatics, you can really count on someone.

love is life. love is death. love is everything in between. who the hell am i to tell you what love is?

all i know is that love is something i need to feel full. it doesn’t have to be in any particular form, but it has to exist somehow. with love, i flourish, i suffer through that which i must, just to make it back home to feel safe in the arms of love for five minutes… before the cats stab me with their wandering paws and the dog drips saliva in my ear out of… love.